Pound Jokes / Recent Jokes

On the day of the local match, the captain was talking to one of his men.
'Look, here's a pound,' he said.' Go out and buy a new ball or something. Anything that'll help us win.'

The match began and the captain noticed that the same old ball was being used.

He called his man over.' What did you do with the pound?' he asked.

'Well, you said anything to help us win.'

'Yes.'

'I gave it to the umpire.'

Sardarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns an apple shop in US.
One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere.
He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price,
tell them $2 a pound. If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet
or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not.
If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.
Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples.
A lady comes and asks sardarji, Do you know what time it is?
Sardarji replied $2 a pound. Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools.
Sardarji replied, some are, some are not. Lady got frustrated and said, I
will take you to police station.
Sardarji replied, if you will not take me some body else will take..

A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign: "Special Offer - Brains"
Cow brainsa penny a pound
Sheep brains2 pounds a pound
Pig brains2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains1000 pounds a pound
and he goes into the shop and says to the butcher "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your sign - I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare."
"That's right" says the butcher.
"And," continues the man, "I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they're such high quality."
"Not at all," says the butcher "do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?"

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass. Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye and picks up a 70 pound Bass. A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, "Aren't you going to give it a try?" Jeff replies, "No, I don't want to get poked in the eye!"

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.
A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher,' Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied.' They were only 50p a pound this morning!'
How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!
Is that more...

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday".

So she goes on up the street to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to consciousness, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."