Pound Jokes / Recent Jokes

one english man discovered his wife was having an affair, overcome by rage he decided to kill her, so he went to a hitman named Artie, whom he met through a friend, Artie agreed to do the job for a pound (

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don`t serve Canadians in this bar."

"But I`m really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I`ll do anything for a beer!"

"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I`ll get you a beer."

"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6`5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That`s number one."

"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He`s mean, he`s nasty, he`s vicious, he`s hungry, and he`s got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That`s number two."

"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That`s number more...

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."The small guy faints.The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Doctor: What happend to the boy who swallowed a pound?
Nurse: No change yet.

Santa and Banta are visting London for the first time. They see a sign reading, "Suits Pound 15, Shirts Pound 2, Trousers Pound 3."
"Wow," says Banta. "we should snap up some of these bargains and sell them at a profit when we get home."
Santa agrees and they go into the shop.
"Twenty suits, 50 shirts and 30 pairs of trousers, please," says Santa to the assitant behind the counter.
"You're not from around here, are you?" said the assistant.
"No," answered Banta. "How did you know?"
The assistant replies, "This is a dry cleaners."

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
By a Weary Father

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

- When more...