Policeman Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman? The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.. . "

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldnt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. ”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. ”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. ”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. ”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military more...

A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye! ”
The policeman says, “Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile. ”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? ”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! ”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with? ”
Extremely frustrated at more...

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted.

A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first one a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first one answers, "That`s easy; we`ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well... uh... that`s because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second one and asks him, "This is your suspect, and how would you recognize him?"

The second one smiles and says, "Ha! He`d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
"What`s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it`s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up more...