Player Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip. Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it. Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: Vibrato. Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two. Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk more...

Here are some hockey player pick-up lines... which, I'm sure, have never been tried on them because they hang with a better class of male species... Enjoy...
"What do you say we drop the gloves and go at it?"
"Look, my teeth spell out 'I love you' in block letters!"
"My other stick curves to the right"
"So this guy says he hates hockey players because they have no tact and are easily distracted, so I... Hey! Babe! Wanna do the nasty?"
"Bagy, yrrr so beurdiffle dat I feel I can be nacheral wif yoo."
"You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things."
"I said, 'Would you like a PUCK?'"
"You know, less teeth means more tongue!"
"I may be toothless, sweaty, and all black and blue, but I make a mean quiche Loraine."
"I only drool when I'm standing upright."
"Hi, I'm Zam. How would you like a Zamboni ride?"
"Well if I more...

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players."You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!""I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college.""What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded."I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case.""Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!""Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"

Famous Sports Quotes.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it more...

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!"