Player Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up more...

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You more...

What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

A pro football player goes into a bar and orders a beer. Down at the other end of the bar there is a another person having a drink.
The football player says to the bartender, "Is that who I think it is!?."
The bartender says, "Yes, it's Jesus. He comes in here everyday and has a beer."

In walks a Teamster truck driver who sits next to the football player and orders a drink. He looks down to the end of the bar and turns to the football player and says, "That guy sure looks like Jesus!"
The football player tells the truck driver that it is Jesus. Both the football player and the truck driver decide to go over and say hello.
In their conversation Jesus asks them what they do for a living. The football player tells Jesus he is the quarterback of a professional football team but is not playing due to a rotor cuff injury that might end his career.
Jesus reaches out and puts his hand on the football players shoulder and says, more...

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."Man: "What covers a house?"Dog: "Roof!"Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"Dog: "Rough!"Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"Dog: "Ruth!"Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.
Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to help."
"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha," said the old man.
The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?"
"Yeah - If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha."
The dude did more...