Outdoor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for more...

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.Worse: You're in it.Bad: Your children are sexually active.Worse: With each other.Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.Worse: He looks better than you.Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.Worse: As a sacrifice.Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.Worse: She's a lawyer.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: For another woman.Bad: Your wife's leaving you.Worse: To enter a convent.Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.Worse: She implicates you.Good: Hot outdoor sex.Bad: You're arrested.Worse: By your husband.Good: The postman's early.Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.Good: The secretary said "yes."Bad: Your wife says "no."Good: The teacher likes your son.Bad: Sexually.Worse: He's gay.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: So did the postman.Good: You came home for a quickie.Bad: Your wife walks in.Good: You get a three-day weekend.Bad: You get more...

At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue.""That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am."Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head."

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing --------------------------------- It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no more...

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message."Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.