Hate Jokes

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    Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
    Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
    December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
    December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob more...

    My friend told me these songs about Barney. I hope you like them.
    (In rhythm to I Love You)
    I hate you
    You hate me
    We're a violent family
    With a great big gun
    and a bang from me to you
    Won't you say you hate me too.
    (In rhythm to Joy To The World)
    Joy to the world
    Barney's dead
    I barbequed his head
    What happened to his body
    I flushed it down the potty
    And around and around it goes
    And around and around it
    And around and around around around it goes

    It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!"
    The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!"
    Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!"
    The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance."
    Then, the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."

    From one of Tom Clancy's books:Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???" Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

    Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

    If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films ended with a scream and a flush.

    Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

    Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

    Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

    Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches more...

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