Out Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says "I want four budgies." Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie-I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr... Newfie - I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman - O.K. O.K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says "What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be!"

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,' If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,' If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero' The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,' If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.' The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out,' If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked,' What is the matter? I've told you I'm a more...

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most" The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?" "I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount." "OK, I wish for a billion dollars" "Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion" "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything" "Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish" The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

Some of these are EXTREMELY offensive. Women who are sensitive
should
probably skip this. Why women!? Any FCP or men too!!

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1. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm
and moist. A cunt is what owns it.

2. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.

3. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position? The view.

4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long
enough to build up pressure.

5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if
you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

6. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one
way to shut a woman up!

7. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You
don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

9. more...

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them.

As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnny, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them."

The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnny and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it.

So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnny was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if more...

A Realtor, driving his buyers around looking at houses, is suddenly pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the Realtor’s car door, and the Realtor says "Is there a problem officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license please?"
The driver responds, "I can’t give it to you – because I don`t have one..."
"You don`t have one," asks the policeman?
The Realtor responds, "I lost it 4 times for drunk driving..."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration please?"
"I am sorry, I can do that either," replies the Realtor, as the homebuyers in the back seat look stunned.
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car," the Realtor responds, as the homebuyers in the back seat look shocked.
The Officer says, "Stole it?"
The Realtor says, "Yes I stole it, more...

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping habits, more...