Ocean Jokes / Recent Jokes
You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. On a highway you can not park under a bridge. If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone". Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue. Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn. Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat. Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo. Newark: more...
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.The penalty for jumping off a building is death. A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it. Brooklyn: Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs.Carmel: A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do more...
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor thathes worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"The doctor says, "No, but itll look real pretty in the water."
Two Aussies, Hugo and Jake, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat`s provisions, Hugo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Hugo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into BEER!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew EVER sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Jake looked disgustedly at Hugo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Jake said, "Nice going Hugo! Now we`re going to have to piss in the boat."
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I`m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won`t eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won`t enjoy it so much".
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean." The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captains next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side." After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captains request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open you r emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of more...
your momma so fat that when she dove into the ocean the whales started singing "we are family" and then a male whale came up to her and sang "we belong together!"