Ocean Jokes / Recent Jokes

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab!

A male whale and his girlfriend were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago.
So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away. So the male whale swims more...

What do you call 100, 000 lawyers drowning in the Pacific ocean?
A good start.

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.
He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents.
She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.
So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.
Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away...
So the male whale swims more...

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.
A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher,' Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied.' They were only 50p a pound this morning!'
How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!
Is that more...

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger' units' than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog. How you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from ducks. What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam. What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? "Well done." What did one cloned sheep say to the other? "I am ewe." What did one magnet say to the other magnet? "I find you very attractive." What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip? What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"What do cats like on a hot day? A mice cream cone. What do cats like on their hot dogs? Mouse-tard. What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.