Nixon Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
    The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
    Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the more...

    Richard Nixon voice: Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

    On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
    So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
    Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
    So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
    Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."

    Major Scandal during their presidency....
    Nixon: Watergate
    Clinton: Waterbed
    The President's biggest fear....
    Nixon: The Cold War
    Clinton: The Cold Sore
    Complaints toward the President.....
    Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
    Clinton: Carpet-Burns
    Their Vice-Presidents...
    Nixon: His was Greek
    Clinton: His is a Geek.
    Presidential qualities.....
    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
    Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
    Things the President couldn't explain....
    Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
    Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
    Job titles....
    Nixon: Ex-President
    Clinton: Sex-President
    Slogans....
    Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
    Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
    Known for....
    Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
    Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
    Acquaintances....
    Nixon: Well more...

    Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?"

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