Begin Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    60 above
    Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
    People in Canada sunbathe
    50 above:
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    People in Canada plant gardens.
    40 above:
    Italian cars won't start.
    Canadians drive with the windows down.
    32 above:
    Distilled water freezes.
    The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
    20 above:
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
    15 above:
    New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
    Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
    -0 -
    Californians fly away to Mexico.
    People in Canada lick the flagpole.
    20 below:
    People in Miami cease to exist.
    Canadians get out their winter coats.
    40 below:
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
    60 below:
    Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
    Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets more...

    Forest Gump goes to heaven...The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
    "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
    I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?"Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days in the week begin
    With the letter "T"?
    That one's easy.
    That'd be Today and Tomorrow."The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
    "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but...
    I'll give you credit for that answer."How about the second one?" asks St. Peter.
    "How many seconds in a year?""Now that one's more...

    CS Rep: LOVE Technical Support.
    Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I can do it if you talk me through. I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
    CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?
    Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
    CS Rep: It depends. What programs are running?
    Customer: Let me see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
    CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
    Customer: I don't know more...

    Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is' Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called' Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when' Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an' upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially more...

    How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working
    At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
    The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood) - It's all you-know-where.
    You begin to look at the dog with interest.
    You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
    They confuse you with the duracell bunny.
    When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
    You begin to think that your mother-in-law is pretty.
    You no longer need the TV remote control.
    You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis.
    If you die, they won't be able to close your coffin for three days.
    They begin to call you "the tripod."
    The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni.
    You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a sundial.
    When you go camping all more...

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