Begin Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    60 above
    Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
    People in Canada sunbathe
    50 above:
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    People in Canada plant gardens.
    40 above:
    Italian cars won't start.
    Canadians drive with the windows down.
    32 above:
    Distilled water freezes.
    The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
    20 above:
    Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
    15 above:
    New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
    Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
    -0 -
    Californians fly away to Mexico.
    People in Canada lick the flagpole.
    20 below:
    People in Miami cease to exist.
    Canadians get out their winter coats.
    40 below:
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
    60 below:
    Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
    Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets more...

    Forest Gump goes to heaven...The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
    "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
    I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?"Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days in the week begin
    With the letter "T"?
    That one's easy.
    That'd be Today and Tomorrow."The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
    "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but...
    I'll give you credit for that answer."How about the second one?" asks St. Peter.
    "How many seconds in a year?""Now that one's more...

    How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working
    At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
    The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood) - It's all you-know-where.
    You begin to look at the dog with interest.
    You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
    They confuse you with the duracell bunny.
    When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
    You begin to think that your mother-in-law is pretty.
    You no longer need the TV remote control.
    You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis.
    If you die, they won't be able to close your coffin for three days.
    They begin to call you "the tripod."
    The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni.
    You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a sundial.
    When you go camping all more...

    I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job-George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign"This is a great day for France!"-Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"-George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks."-George Bush"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change."-Dan Quayle"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."-Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in more...

    Temperatures and What They Mean 40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 Italian cars don't start. 32 Water freezes. 30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. 25 Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you. 20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath. 15 N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless. 12 You plan a vacation to Mexico. 10 Too cold to snow 5 You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 3 You plan a vacation in Houston. 0 Too cold to skate. American cars don't start. -5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. -10 Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. -15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -20 You plan a 2-week hot bath. -25 The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't more...

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