Alaska Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In my own words: "I was flying from SFO to PDX on Friday, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like' what the heck?' (Getting PDX people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

    Before takeoff...
    "Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to Portland. If you're going to Portland, you're in the right place. If you're not going to Portland, you're about to have a really long evening."

    "We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now."

    "There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're more...

    In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory:

    "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic."

    To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."

    One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

    "Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

    A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.
    The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.
    "No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.
    The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.
    Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

    Alaska
    • A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
    (O_o)
    • Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities.
    (is shooting waking?)
    • Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
    (but why?)
    • In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
    • It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
    (How did the moose get in the flippin plane?)
    • Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
    • Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
    • State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.
    (*911* "we are sorry, this number has been disconnected")

    On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.

    "It's some dumb glacier," he replied.

    Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out myself. I spotted our location and found the name of the ice mass.

    It was called, just as he'd said, "Sumdum Glacier."

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