New Year Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.
May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights more...

* And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
* The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
* The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
* Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
* A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
* Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
* In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
* The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
* Joy and more...

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa.
4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood)
2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

The Red Wings and Blackhawks will play on New Year's Day at Wrigley Field. With ice on the field, Cub fans may better understand why success keeps slipping away.