New Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

A man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a letter, though he was not good at all at writing.
One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him four things:
A villager died not long ago.
The price of meat has gone up.
The household has employed a new accountant.
His brother's wife is going to have a baby.
When the son had finished, however, the letter read: "A villager died not long ago. The meat sold for 179 silver coins. The household has employed a new accountant. My sister-in-law's belly is getting bigger and bigger." He soon got an angry answer from his brother: "Domestic shame should not be made public. How can the flesh of the dead be sold to others?"

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar. One guy said, "just name it a pub." Another said, "just name it the bar." The thrid guy said, "name it Suzy's Legs". The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs. The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing? He replied... nothing officer..."just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"

Woman's English
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Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be more...

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -? and how much money do you make a week?? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,? I make $200.00 a week. Why?? The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams -? here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!? Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks -? does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -? That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands. Dear China, We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000. We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan... since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's. We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to more...