Nervous Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J. C."
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and Spook."
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he more...

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, “Nervous about flying? ”
The nervous guy replies, “N-n-nervous? I’m t-terrified. I just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we’re g-going to d-die. ”
“Is this your first time flying? ”
“N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It’s m-my job. ”
“Why don’t you just ask your boss if you can drive cross- country? ”
“H-he would never l-let me do that”
“Why not? ” asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, “B-because, I’m the p-pilot. ”

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".

He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did more...

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?""Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once.""Whom did you marry?""Well, a woman."The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."