Monsignor Jokes

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew more...

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, "WOW! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, more...

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, more...

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn! "

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into more...

A Young Priest was very nervous at his first services that he could hardly
speak. After his second week in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor replied "Next week, it may help if you put some
vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was
able to talk up a storm and felt just GREAT. Upon returning to the Rectory,
however, he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time, SIP rather than GULP
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 deciples, not 10
4. Deavid SLEW Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him
5. We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J. C. and
the
Boys."
6. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
7. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter
pulling at more...