Musician Jokes

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    PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack. Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in three forms; metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The all-metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner. Compliment the musician more...

    Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A: They've had so little use. Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? A: The sack. Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? A: Not enough concrete. Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. Q: What is the ideal more...

    Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
    A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

    clef: what you try never to fall off of.
    bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
    altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
    minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
    melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.
    12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
    quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
    sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
    clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
    cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

    One day Timmy came home from school very excited... "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around' P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player."
    The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!"
    "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player."
    On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?"
    "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."

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