"Conductor One Liners" joke

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A: They've had so little use. Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? A: The sack. Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? A: Not enough concrete. Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. Q: What is the ideal weight for a conductor? A: About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn. Q: Why is a conductor like a condom? A: It's safer with one, but more fun without. Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor? A: God knows He's not a conductor. Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? A: Some conductors actually read Greek. What do do with a horn player that can't play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. Q: What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby? A: A baby sucks its fingers.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...
so I said "Implants?"

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These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle.
So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther
(the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a more...

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that more...

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