Movement Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up till 7:00."

"... Perhaps of even greater significance is the
continuous and profound distrust of science and technology
that the environmental movement displays. The environmental
movement maintains that science and technology cannot be
relied upon to build a safe atomic power plant, to produce
a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that
is safe, if that loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives.
When it comes to global warming, however, it turns out that
there is one area in which the environmental movement
displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability
of science and technology, an area in which, until recently,
no one-even the staunchest supporters of science and
technology-had ever thought to assert very much confidence
at all. The one thing, the environmental movement holds,
that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST
THE more...

I've got one of those wristwatches that is wound by movement. The first page of the instruction leaflet says, "This watch is wound by normal wrist movement. Three minutes of normal wrist movement will wind the watch for about 8 hours."
That means that an episode of Baywatch should wind it up for, let's say about a week. :-)
(For those in countries which don't receive Baywatch, it is a US American TV series in which everything from plot to production values is secondary to the breast size of the female characters.)

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed.
He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and Chalking the end of his erect penis. This went on for over ten Minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed.
Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her nightdress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her lithe and curvaceous body.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the more...

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started goingimprovising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"