Morning Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny's parents were attempting to potty train him. When he did go to the bathroom though, it seemed like he hit everything except the toilet. Then his mother would have to go in and clean up after him.
After a couple of weeks, she had had enough, so she took Johnny to the doctor. After explaining the problem to him, the doctor said, "Well, his member is too small. There is an old wive's tale that says to give him two slices of toast each morning and his member will grow. Then he will be able to hold it and aim straight."
The following morning, Johnny jumped out of bed and raced downstairs to the kitchen. On the table were a dozen slices of toast.
"Mom," Johnny yelled, "the doctor said I only have to eat two slices of toast."
"Yes, I know son," his mother replied and smiled. "The other ten are for your dad."

These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening.
Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: "I'll have TWO slices of toast please!"
The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves.
When the second was asked, he replied: "I'll have THREE slices of toast please!"
The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: "I'll have FOUR slices of white... and THREE slices of more...

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)
(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much I'd dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat that's hard to bear.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium -
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.
(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' hotly.
Cesium shinin' so bright.
Cesium -
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.
(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give 'em that glow.
Cesium -
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!
(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!
They needed Cesium!
Flamin' madly.
Cesium burnin' so blue.
Cesium -
Shared more...

> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...

I got up one morning and couldn`t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can`t find my socks." She said, "They`re behind the couch." And they were!

Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary. "Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary. "Certainly madam", he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached", Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on more...

One day when Bill was out for lunch with his friend Jeff, they got into a conversation. Bill said: " I feel really bad about what I did this morning.". "Why?" - asked Jeff. "Well,"- replied Bill - "This morning I went to ask my secretary for to tickets to Pitsburg, but it came out as 'I need two pickets to Titsburg.' and I feel really bad.". "Oh don't feel bad about that." - said Jeff "Last night I took my wife and kids out for dinner... ". "Whats so bad about that?" - asked Bill. "Well... I mean't to ask my wife to pass the salt, but it came out as 'U REWIND MY LIFE YOU STUPID BITCH!'