Mile Jokes / Recent Jokes

This quiz has been around for ages. Remember the answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried?

2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?

3. How many months have 28 days?

4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?

5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?

6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?

7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?

8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof, will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side?

9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow?

10. On which side of a chicken are the most more...

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, more...

The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!

The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?

Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.

There are really only two possible more...

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down
the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or
above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired. The man agrees to the conditions and starts
the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work
out."
The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the
average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4
miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? Is there a problem? An injury,
equipment failure, anything more...

Thoughts from a school teacher:
1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be more...

Thoughts from a school teacher:1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 6. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should more...