Middle Jokes / Recent Jokes

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service."
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding more...

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed more...

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing more...

Heard this from a D.J.:
A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite
gender and walks up to her. He said, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?"
The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, "WHAT
DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE?" She storms out of the bar, and the
guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A
few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says,
"I'm sorry about that. I'm psychology major and I was just testing to
see your reaction to what I just said."
Then the guy stands up and walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, "FIFTY DOLLARS?" :-)

Hillary wakes bill in the middle of the night.
Bill: "What's the matter?"
Hillary: "I'm thirsty and I would like a glass of water."
Bill: "Do you seriously think I'm going to get it for you??"
Hillary: "Of course not. I just want you to keep my place empty until I'm back."

From the book,' Dave Barry Turns 50'

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe' Daylight Saving Time'.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a more...

This is part of a humerous ditty that was popular when I was a lad, before the Earth cooled.
One dark day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys began to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
If you don't believe this story is true;
ask the blind man; he saw it, too.
He lives on the corner in the middle of the block
in a two-story house on a vacant lot.
An empty truck loaded with bricks
ran over our dead cat and killed it.