Major Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
    The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement - I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.
    And now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision."

    College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
    Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
    1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
    2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
    These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
    It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

    The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from AirForce fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there'sno such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Armypays its men to jump.""You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitchabout the salary."

    ACURA
    Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
    Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
    AMC
    All Makes Combined
    A Major Cost
    A Mutated Car
    A Morons Car
    Another Major Catastrophe
    AUDI
    Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Automobile Under Demonic Influence
    Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
    Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
    Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
    BMW
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Brutal Money Waster
    Break My Window
    Break My Windshield
    Babbling Mechanical Wench
    Beastly Monstrous Wonder
    Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Barely Moving Wreck
    Big Money Waste
    Big Money. Why?
    Big Money Works
    Born Moderately Wealthy
    Breaks Most Wrenches
    Bring More Wrenches
    Brings Me Women
    Brings More Women
    Broken Money Waster
    Broke My Wallet
    Broken Monstrous Wonder
    Bumbling Mechanical more...

    An army Major visiting the sick army men, went to one soldier and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic syphilis, Sir."
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's your ambition?"
    "To get back to the front, Sir."
    "Good man," said the Major.
    He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic piles, Sir."
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's your ambition?"
    "To get back to the front, Sir."
    "Good man," barked the Major.
    He moved to the next bed where Santa was lying and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's more...

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