Maid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My maid said to use hot water."

At the hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how`s that daughter of yours?"
Rose replies, "She`s OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He`s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary`s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how`s your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny."

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think YOU were embarrassed? I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

What to do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear more...

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband." He'd always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." "$50,000? Really?" "Yes." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uhhh... is this 832-4821?"

All the merry men and Maid Marion, gathered around Robin Hood's deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and said "Friar Tuck, bring me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that is where you will bury me." Deeply moved, they placed a long bow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the wardrobe.