Madame Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus. She walked over to inspect it more closely.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price.."
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to
her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic
fart.
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that
immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
The Madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man.
His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked "needy". " Can I help you?" the Madame asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies; perhaps someone else."
"No, I want Natalie."
Just then, Natalie appeared, and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked, reached into his pocket, and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night, he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, and that there were no discounts, it was still $1,000 for one hour.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed more...
The year is 1996. By this time, the American Government's policy of
Social Welfare has been extended to require that any married couple who
has not had a child within the first five years of marriage, must
receive the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means
of the wife becoming a mother.
There are no children in the family of this particular story: much to the
sorrow of the husband, and it is the morning of their fifth wedding
anniversary.
Husband - Well, goodbye, dear, I'm off to the office. I suppose the
government man will be here shortly, computer-printed address and all.
He leaves with his head bowed. The wife pretties herself and powders her
nose just as the doorbell rings. She is expecting the government man, but
instead her caller is a baby photographer who has come to see if he could
interest her in some baby pictures. The following conversation ensues:
Lady: Oh, Good Morning.
Man: How do you more...
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just by touching it, you will definitely CRAP your pants when you hear the price."
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.
All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice more...