Madam Jokes / Recent Jokes

The prudish old maid found herself seated next to a sophisticated playboy at a formal affair. After a little, rather icy conversation, the lady attempted to dismiss the fellow with, "It's quite obvious, sir, that we do not agree on a single, solitary thing."
The playboy smiled. "Oh, I don't think that's quite true, madam," he said. "If you were to enter a bedroom in which there were two beds, and if, madam, there were a woman in one and a man in the other, in which bed would you sleep?"
"Well," the lady huffed indignantly, "with the woman, of course." "You see, we agree," the playboy said, laughing. "So would I."

Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, thelargest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the elephant's backside. .. MADAM. .. MADAM. .., too late; George, dig her out."

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still more...

A Redneck goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

An old lady stood at the railing of a cruise ship, holding on tight to her hat so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon my forwardness, madam, but were you aware that your dress is blowing up in the wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need both hands to hold onto this hat" But madam," the gentleman said in a worried tone, "you must know that your private parts are exposed!"
The old lady glanced down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

>>THe British Goverment's policy of socialized has recently been broaden
>>to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the goverment plan,
>>any married woman who is unable to become pregant through the first five
>>years of her marriage, may request the service of a proxy father; a
>>goverment employee who attempt to solve the couple's problem by
>>impreganting the wife.
>>
>>The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
>>to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr Smith says," I'm off. The goverment man
>>should be here soon." Moments later, a door-to-door baby photographer
>>rings the bell..........
>>
>>Mrs Smith: Good morning.
>>
>>Salesman: Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come
>>to..........
>>
>>Mrs Smith: No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
>>
>>Salesman: Really? Well good. I've made a specialty of more...

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at S. Klein's downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"