Madam Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale." Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in." Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and more...

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. 00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, more...

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the more...

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, more...

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

Finally getting a shore leave after being out to sea for a couple of months, the sailor made his way to a brothel and told the madam he wanted a lady for the evening.
The madam told him that they were very busy at the moment and he would have to wait. Having been at sea for such a lengthy time, he was impatient and told her he didn't want to wait. He asked if he could possibly have a go with her, if she wasn't busy.
After some price negotiations, she reluctantly agreed and they went up to a room.
The sailor proceeded to put his best moves on her and finally asked breathlessly, "Well, how am I doing?"
"I'd have to say you're doing about three knots," the madam replied.
"Three knots? What does that mean?" he asked.
"It's knot hard, it's knot in and you are knot getting your money back!" she replied.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said
the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this
hat yesterday!"