Mad Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed.

There`s a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a
sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is
a quiet, conservative type, and this bird`s foul
mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird
by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more
than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you."
He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and
scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point,
the guy is so mad that he throws,
the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. more...

"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large more...

Twas a month before Christmas
From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage
And go get the mail."

So I trudged to my mailbox
And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc
And computer CD!

'Twas a limited offer
From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling
That this deal was fine!

"Unlimited" access
for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it
I could cancel it free.

So I plugged the thing in
And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!"
And something in code.

And this is when I
Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours
For "Customer Service."

This techno-geek helped me
To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA
I keep in my wallet.

So I gave him my number
And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens
Whistling more...

Beowulf

See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat. Grendel is eating a few Danish for breakfast. Grendel especially likes the ones with the yellow coating on top. This is good because there are so many of them. Yummy!

See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad. His warriors are leaving. They are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends. They do not want to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.

Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone. Grendel eats the cows and pigs and horsies, too. Grendel is very hungry. Eat, Grendel, eat.

Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining. Whine, wife, whine. Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three days now. Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead. Poor Hrothgar.

See Beowulf. He is big and strong and handsome. He has long viking braids and pointy horns on his hat [cultural misconception but amusing nonetheless] and more...