Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

POE and PCs
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command And waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must more...

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mommy." "Oh Mommy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping." The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mommy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once." "David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?" "Why, David' s your husband....Is this 555-3749?" "No, this is more...

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if more...

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon."Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked."Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?""No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?""No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Q: What's the difference between a bra-less woman and a sewing machine?
A: The sewing machine has only one bobbin.

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself... just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
When you don't know "What's his name?"
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but... like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
When they call more...