Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, by kinetic
energy, a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying
that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to more...

1 A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
2 A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
3 A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer popped out of the machine. She set it on the ground, put sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to more...

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people-many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women-ooops, "women and men"-we
present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
Following are their accounts...
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the more...

This isn't mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks more...

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. "Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!"

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Ik wari america which ik market survey company ne india which washing machine di sale ute survey kita. Ohna de survey de results te sub nu bari harani hoyi. Survey which uhna ne dasya ki washing
machine di sub to jayada sale punjab which hoyi he ate ehna nu kharidan wale GT Roda te dhabian (road side hotels) de malik ne.
Is sale the reason ohna ne dasya ke dhabe wale kehnde ne ki washing which bulk which lassi bahut wadiya bandi ate uhde naal pipe ( drainage hose ) wi lagya hoya jis de naal lassi aram de naal glass which we payi jaa sakdi he.