Lots Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision."
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada: -). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic: -). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell."
St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.
Gates: "Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and more...

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the more...

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order." I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie." I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner." I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie." I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert." I want a banana split," said the first piggie." I want a root beer float," said the second piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie." Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered more...

There once was 3 pigs at a restruant
the waiter came over and asked them what they wanted to drink
the 1st one said "ill have coke"
the 2nd one said "ill have sprite"
the 3rd one said "ill have water, lots of it"
then later the waiter asked what they wanted to eat
the 1st one said "ill have the #4 meal"
the 2nd one said "ill have the #87 meal"
the 3rd one said "ill have water lots of it"
after they were done the waiter asked if they wanted any thing for desert
the 1st one said "ummm no im fine"
the 2nd one said "no im very full"
the 3rd one said :ill have water lots of it"
then the waiter said "i dont mean to be rude but why do you keep ording water?"
the 3rd pig said "well, someone has to go we-we-we all the way home!"

Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I’m not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It’s not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I’ll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I’m going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57. 95 for that and he’s playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don’t need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in more...

What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying,' What's up, Doc? What's up, Doc?' Check for bugs in your system.

This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows XP?"