Line Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God more...

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because
otherwise you'd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double for this
if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or
Ms. Starchild.")
You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.
You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.
You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that
ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad
bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the
losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire,
faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone
took you seriously.
You've ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of
Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le
Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not more...

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new more...

A crowded flight was cancelled and a single agent was in the process of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an irate passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I MUST be on this flight and it must be FIRST CLASS!"
"I'm sorry sir," the agent replied. "I will be more than happy to try to help you, but I must help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
Unimpressed, he yelled so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please?" her voice bellowed through the terminal. "There is a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS! If there is anyone who can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the passengers behind him laughing hysterically, he glared at more...

** Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

** Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

** To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

** Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

** To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

** To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

** Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

** When a cake recipe calls for flouring more...

Little Leroy was always getting into trouble with his mother. One day his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes and she looks out and sees that little Leroy has tied up the cat. She says to herself "what is that little shit doing to that damn cat this time?"
Little Leroy leaves the cat lying in the grass next to the driveway and runs into the house and asks his mother for a piece of chalk and some M&M's.
She thinks for a minute and realizes that not even little Leroy can harm the cat with chalk and M&M's. She gives Leroy the chalk and M&M's and he runs outside.
He sets the M&M's next to the cat and takes the chalk and draws a line all the way down the drive way. Mom sees this and says to herself what is that damn boy doing? She is very curious so she stands there and watches.
Little Leroy goes back to where the cat is lying in the grass and picks up the cat and his M&M's.
He then goes over and sits down on the chalk line. He then proceeds to pop the more...

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then more...