Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a poplar local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded.

"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, more...

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)

(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much I'd dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat that's hard to bear.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin' brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.

(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin' hotly.
Cesium shinin' so bright.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.

(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give' em that glow.
Cesium --
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!

(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!

They needed more...

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."
That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.
When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."
When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched more...

So a blonde & her husband are about to have sex, so they turn off the lights, there having a good time, when she gets ready to suck.. [[ shes a blonde so she's stupid ]] & she sucks the end of the bed post & her husband turns on the light & says " hunny, maybe we should leave the lights on! "

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights more...

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”“Yes, sir, they were.”“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”“Yes, sir, she did.”“And,” looking at Judi, "what was it she said?”“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”

DISCLAIMER: The sender of this joke and web site provider are not responsible or liable for any thing that happens while attempting these things.
CAUTION: Not to be attempted by anyone under 5 years driving expereince!
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio more...