Lap Jokes / Recent Jokes

10 -
Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
- 9 -
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- 8 -
Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- 7 -
By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- 6 -
Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- 5 -
Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
- 4 -
Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- 3 -
First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
- 2 -
Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
- 1 -
Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

This georgeous young girl was negotiating with the driving instructor to give her some lessons. The instructor tells her that he will teach her for free if she will sit on his lap and learn to drive. The girl thought it was a good offer and accepted it. On the agreed day, she sat on his lap and he promptly pulled up her skirt and shafted his dick up her arse. "What was that for" she asks. "Well", he says, "The seatbelt would go around only one of us and I have to restrain you somehow".

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE

It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.

(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)

In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:

DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.

CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess more...

10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho, ”
he exclaims “Oy vey! ”
9. He asks the mothers if
they want to sit on his lap.
8. His credentials include a Playgirl Centerfold. ”
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star
doing Community Service hours.
6. He avoids the the food court
unless his lawyer is present.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain
as his “tip jar. ”
4. He won’t talk to the kids
without a disclaimer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him
milk and ATM cards.
2. He becomes the new
cigarette lobby spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap
he orders the elves to frisk them.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was doing his job okay, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured it wouldn't hurt anything. So he gets a young cock and and lets it loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they are trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.



He walks up to the new bird and says,"So, your the new guy in town. I bet you think you're really hot stuff don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself."



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," more...

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted
for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard."

"Excuse me?" said Santa.

"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something.
Let's try again. What else do you want?"

Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."

"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in
the front yard."

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give
anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for
Christmas."

Santa then called Johnny's more...