Labor Relation Jokes / Recent Jokes
9: 00 Starting time
9: 15 Arrive at work
10: 00 Coffee break
11: 00 Check e-mail
11: 30 Prepare for lunch
12: 00 Lunch
2: 00 Browse the Internet
3: 00 Tea break
3: 30 Check e-mail again
4: 00 Prepare to go home
4: 45 Go home
5: 00 Finishing Time
When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."
Your garbage can is your "in" box.
You sleep more at work than at home.
Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
Your friend calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors more...
They start paying everyone in sea shells.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans.
Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
People saying "Remember folks, we're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!"
The women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco more...
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity. .. probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
If at first you don't succeed - try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Your relatives describe your job as "works with computers".
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.