Kilt Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
    A: Because sheep can hear the zipper.

    In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt.
    A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
    So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
    A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it."
    So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, more...

    A Brigadier General was inspecting a Scots Highland in full parade dress. There were rows and rows of kilted brawny fine Scotsmen. As the Brigadier General started down the 3rd row he noticed a strapping lad at the end had a problem with something hanging below the hem of his kilt. As he approached the end of the row he stopped in front of this particular fellow, and looked him up and down.
    "How long have ye ben in the regiment yung mun?" he asked
    "Sur, I ben in the regiment abou' thrai yaars."
    "Whu' might be yur name yung mun?"
    "Me name's MacPhearson, Sur."
    "Yur a credit to th' regiment, kape upp the gud wurk," said the Brigadier General as he moved on.
    As the Brigadier General came to the 7th row he noticed another young man with something even longer below the hem of his kilt. He approached him and said,
    "How long have ye ben in the regiment yung mun?"
    "I've been with th' more...

    A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
    his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
    sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
    to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence."
    Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over
    carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
    then says, "I'll be back."
    Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
    "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
    -Bilbo Baggins

    One night a woman goes up to a Scottish man wearing a kilt in the bar. She asks him the age old question, "So, what do you wear under your kilt?"
    In response he says, "On a good night, lipstick."

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