Kids Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day.' Well, momma, the rabbi told us how GoD sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.' When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.'

' Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?' his mother asked.

' Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!'

Q: Why did the owl, owl? A: Because the woodpecker would peck' er! Q: What is a polygon? A: A dead parrot! Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera? A: The parrots of Penzance! Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker! Q: What is a parrot's favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? A:' The pheasants are revolting'! Q: What is the definition of Robin? A: A bird who steals! Q: When is the best time to buy budgies? A: When they're going cheap!

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
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Burlesque Show
The kid ran out of the burlesque show. The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.
The kid said, "My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"

Banta's wife, Preeto, and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
Banta went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?"

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.
You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.
You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"