Keeping Jokes / Recent Jokes

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California With gun in lap: L. A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand more...

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWSFEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You more...

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

three men a blonde a red-head and a brunette were out on a safari in africa they got lost in the middle of the jungle when they came across a tribe that said go find 5 fruit and we wont kill you but tell you the way out of the jungle, soo off the 3 went with a man from the tribe to make sure they didn't run off the brunette comes back with 5 grapes and the leader of the tribe says shove them up your butt and if you can and keep a staigh face we wont kill you the brunette does it while keeping a straight face so they show him the was out of the jungle. the red-head comes back with 5 cocnuts adn the leader says get on your knees and shove these up your butt while keeping a straight face and we will show you the way out of the jungle the man gets 3 up successfully and then starts to laugh the leader askes before he kills him why he was laughing the red-head replys "
i saw the blonde coming back with 5 watermelons"

How to identify where a driver is from...
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in more...

How to identify where a driver is from...One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New YorkOne hand on wheel, one finger out window: ChicagoOne hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BostonOne hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ItalyOne hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SeattleOne hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city maleOne hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the more...

The following letter, reprinted with permission from the Herbal
Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539),
was received by the Secretary of Agriculture.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for
$1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer
not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the more...