Julie Jokes / Recent Jokes

Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I".
Julie: I is...
Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, "I am."
Julie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Recently an episode of the LWT series BREAD contained the
following exchange:
Man #1: Well I didn't want Julie to get pregnant and Julie didn't
want to get pregnant!
Man #2: I suppose if you don't want to get wet, you don't go in
the water...
Man #1: But what if you only want to paddle?
Man #2: Then you wear your wellies.
(NB. Wellington Boots are knee-length rubber boots, if cross-culturality
is a problem.)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She hops out of her car, rushes up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers his window and she says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the trucker stops for another red light, the same blonde catches up, jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. Once more, the trucker lowers his window. Acting as if they've never spoken, the blonde cheerfully says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load." Again, the trucker ignores her and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. Panting, the blonde jumps out of her car, rushes up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers his window and she again says, "Hi, my name is Julie and you're losing some of your load!"
As soon as the light turns green, the more...

A third grade teacher asks her students to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
Cathy stands up and says, "Last summer I had the mumps and my mother said it was contagious."
"Very good, Cathy," the teacher says. "Does anyone else have a sentence?"
Julie, a sweet little girl in the front row, stands up and says, "My grandmother says there's a bug going around and it's contagious."
"Excellent, Julie," says the teacher, as she looks around the class and sees Little Johnny waving his hand impatiently. "Yes, Little Johnny, do you have a sentence?"
Little Johnny quickly jumps up and says, "The lady next door was painting her porch with a one inch brush and my dad said it would take the contagious."

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling more...

For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while? Julie whined. "What?" Chris replied. "Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!" "I'm sorry, honey," Chris said. "Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed. "Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

"Julie!" screamed her mother, "why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"
"I have to," Julie replied. "That's where my canary is."