Fifty Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...

    A building contractor, working on a job that would take several months, was being paid weekly. Looking at the check he had just received, he approached the owner of the property.
    "Excuse me, but this check is two hundred and fifty dollars less than we had agreed upon," he said.
    "Yes, I know," said the owner. "Last week I overpaid you by two hundred and fifty dollars and you never complained."
    "I don't mind an occasional mistake," replied the contractor, "but when it starts to be a habit I feel I have to bring it to your attention."

    Back in the Jahanabad, there were two Yadavs, Laloo and Sadhu. One day, the two were enjoying a strong country in the local thek, when a man walked into the bar with a Brahmin's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Brahmins; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a Brahmin, I'll give him fifty thousand rupees."
    The two Yadavs looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for a Brahmin. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Sadhu threw a rock which hit the Brahmin right on the head.
    The Brahmin fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Laloo pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.
    Suddenly, Sadhu said, "Lalooji, take a look at this."
    Laloo replied, "Not now, I'm busy."
    Sadhu tugged more...

    During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, "join our church and you get fifty dollars."
    One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
    "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."
    Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
    Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.
    "So," asks Abe, "did you get your fifty dollars?"
    Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

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