Hops Jokes / Recent Jokes

So a duck walks into a bar hops up onto a stool and says, "got any grapes?" and the bartender says, "No we only sell beer and whiskey and stuff like that." so the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar and says, "Got any grapes?" and the bartender said, "I already told you NO now get out of here if you come back and ask me that question again I will nail your beak to the bar!" so again the duck leaves and comes back the next day hops up on the stool and says, "Got any nails?" and the bartender said, "No why?" and the duck says, "Got any grapes!"

Duck waddles into a bar, hops up on a barstool, asks the bartender (in his best Daffy Duck accent), "Got any duck food?"
"We don't serve duck food in this bar, buddy!" replies the bartender.
"Thorry," the Duck shrugs as he hops down and waddles out.
A few minutes later another duck waddles in, hops on a stool and asks, "Got any duck food?"
Angered, the bartender gets in the little duck's face and barks, "Look bub, we don't serve duck food here, understand?"
"Thhhertainly," says the duck, quickly hopping down and waddling out the door.
Sure enough, within a few more minutes, another duck enters the bar, waddles across the floor and hops up on the stool. The bartender, enraged walks over with a hammer in his hand and confronts the fowl offender. "Look buster! I don't have any duck food, so don't ask, and if you do I'm gonna' hammer your silly beak to that wall over there. Now what'll it more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse.
The steins were all empty, the bottles were too,
The beer had been drunk with no time to brew.
My family was nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Christmas Ale foamed in their heads.
Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought,
She craved a pilsner and I, a stout.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash,
Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!
I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.
With a look in his eye, so lively and quick,
He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your pick."
More rapid than eagles, his recipes came,
As he more...

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and.. I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're fucked real good."

'Twas The Homebrewer's Night Before Christmas
' Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was thirsty, including the mouse...
The steins were empty, and the bottles were too
The beer had been drunk with no time to brew.
My family was nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Christmas Ale foamed in their heads.
Mama in her kerchief lamented the drought,
She craved a pilsner and I, a stout.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash,
Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!
I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.
With a look in his eye, so lively and quick,
He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your more...

Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, he decides to take a vacation. He's never been married and is curious about what Americans endure in everyday life, so he decides to go to the States before it's too late.
He hops on a Nevada bound plane and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas. While he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to hm and exclaims, "Elvis! Good Lord, it's Elvis! I always knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?"
Father O'Malley looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can you not see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a bit like him." He then moves on to his taxi waiting outside. He hops in the cab and is a little upset, so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I happen to be your number one fan! It's wonderful to see you!"
"Shut up, you more...

Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, he decides to take a vacation. He's never been married and is curious about what Americans endure in everyday life, so he decides to go to the States before it's too late.
He hops on a Nevada bound plane and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas. While he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to hm and exclaims, "Elvis! Good Lord, it's Elvis! I always knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?"
Father O'Malley looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can you not see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like him." He then moves on to his taxi waiting outside. He hops in the cab and is a little upset, so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I happen to be your number one fan! It's wonderful to see you!"
"Shut up, you more...