Hoping Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
    Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

    Then: Hoping for a BMW
    Now: Hoping for a BM

    Then: The Grateful Dead
    Now: Dr. Kevorkian

    Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
    Now: Getting a new hip joint

    Then Mood Stones
    Now: Kidney Stones

    Then: Moving to California because it's cool
    Now: Moving to California because it's warm

    Then: Being called into the principal's office
    Now: Storming into the principal's office

    Then: Screw the system!
    Now: System upgrade.

    Then: Peace Sign
    Now: Mercedes Logo

    Then: Getting your head stoned
    Now: Getting your headstone

    Then:' 'The Making of the President''
    Now: The making of the President

    Then:' 'Going blind''
    Now: REALLY going blind

    Then: Long hair
    Now: Longing for hair

    Then: Father Knows Best
    Now: Go ask your more...

    A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, “What is your business in Australia? ” “I wish to immigrate, ” was the Kiwi’s reply. The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record? ” Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one. ”

    The following are comebacks to that annoying question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
    You haven't asked yet.
    I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
    Because I just love hearing this question.
    Just lucky, I guess.
    It gives my mother something to live for.
    My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
    I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
    Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
    I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
    It didn't seem worth a blood test.
    I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
    Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
    My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
    I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
    They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
    I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
    I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
    What? And lose all the money I've more...

    Isn't this the truth!... 1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Douglas Street bridge. 2000: Dental bridge. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for more...

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