Help Jokes / Recent Jokes
GeekonicsBy John WoestendiekPhiladelphia InquirerWed., January 8, 1997NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language.The historic vote on Geekonics - a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" - came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language."This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics."No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all more...
1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
3.) Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
10.) Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
11.) Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
12.) Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or more...
Once A Boy Got Admission In An English Medium School. He Couldn't Talk In English. On His First Day They Were Going On A
Picnic. He Got Up Late So He Got Ready Quickly And Went For School. He Took A Shortcut And The Shortcut Was A Lake. There Was A
Man With A Boat. He Asked The Man If He Could Help Him Cross The Lake. He Said That If You Give Rs 10 To Me I Will Help You
Cross The River. The Boy Had Only Rs 5 So He Decided To Swim Across. As He Was Crossing The Lake A Crb Bit Him On His Leg. He
Went To A Hospital Near The School And Went To His Picnic Place As It Was Near The School. The Teacher Asked Him What
Happned. He Said "Ek Kekde Ne Mera Paon Kaat Liya To Mera Pear Dard Kar Raha Hai". The Teacher Said You Are A Grown Up Boy You
Shopuld Talk In English, Tell This To Me In English. He Said" One Kekda Cut My Tangda And I Am Langda.
IN most jokes about drowning, when people call on their respective gods for help, Hindu deities come off poorly. Sita Ram Goel, editor of Voice of India and an important mouthpiece of Hindu opinion, rectifies the balance:
Three men - a Sikh, a Musilm and a Hindu - jumped into the sea from a boat which was sinking. None of them knew swimming. So all of them invoked their deities for help. The Sikh cried for Satguru. But the name applied to ten gurus, and they got into an argument as to which one was being invoked. Meanwhile, the poor Sikh sank to the bottom of the sea. The Muslim cried to Allah. But Allah was bound by his own undertaking that He would save Momins only on the Day of Judgement which was still far off. So the hapless Muslim went down. The Hindu had only to utter one of the several divine names he knew and as every divine name in Hindu theology is shared in common by thirty-three crore gods, all of them rushed to his rescue. He alone survived to tell the story!
Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.
Here are six reasons why you should think before you
speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed more...
Dear Friends:
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.
Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level... right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
BUT NOW YOU CAN HELP!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem,... but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent kissing political asses in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage more...