Happen Jokes / Recent Jokes
BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.
How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint more...
A young man was hired by a multi-national company as a trainee. When he arrived at work his first morning, he picked up the phone, called the pantry and yelled, "Get me a coffee immediately."
A voice on the other end of the phoned growled, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension. Do you happen to know who you're talking to, you idiot?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"I'm the Managing Director of the Company, you fool!" he yelled.
"Well," the trainee shouted back, "do you happen to know who you're talking to, you idiot?"
"No," replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee meekly, as he hung up the phone.
Three old men were sitting around talking. The 80 year old said “The best thing that could happen to me would just be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again. The 85 year old said “the best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movment. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on but it’s still a problem. The 90 year old said “Thats not my problem. every morning at 6: 00am sharp I have a good long pee. At 6: 30am sharp I have a great bowel movement the best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7: 00am
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer on a gun if you are going to kill a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're driving a vehicle at the speed of light, what will happen when you turn on the headlights?
You know most packages say "open here". What more...
Theres an old man laying on the beach nakedand a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that.the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing aroundit is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around himhe asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you wentto sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.
What's Really Going To Happen At The Year 2000:
"99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop
At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey".
Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.
Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly, doesn't seem like that much fun).
Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" Calendar.
Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.
Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some more...