Hand Jokes / Recent Jokes

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.
St. Peter goes to the nuns and says "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."
The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger". St. Peter thought for a while and said. "I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around." She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.
The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand." Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in." The second nun did as she was instructed and more...

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers,
you know they really have a lot in common with cats:
Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy - a sense of complete more...

theres this first grade teacher that is teaching her students how to read. she bakes cookies for the class.
when the kids come in from recess they all sit in their seats.
the teacher asked, "does anyone want to tell me what you did at recess today?"
sally raises her hand and says, "I played in the sand box."
"Okay," said the teacher, "If you can spell sand on the board I will give you a cookie." she does it.
Ben raises his hand and says " I played in the sand box too!"
"Okay if you can spell box on the board I will give yu aa cookie." So he does it.
Mae-he Mahamid riases his hand and says (with an accent) "I wanted to play in da sand box, but ben and sally wouldnt let me."
"That is blunt racial descrimination," said the teacher, "if you can spell blunt racial descrimination on the board i will give you a cookie."

A is the Artful word he uses.
B is the Blush as she gently refuses.
C is the Creep of his hand up her legs.
D is the Don't as she pleadingly begs.
E is the Excitement as his hand goes higher.
F is the Feeling of ticklish desire.
G is the Gasp as her quim, he touches.
H is the Helplessness she feels in his clutches.
I is the Itching which makes her feel hot.
J is the Jump as the spot, he touches.
K is the Kiss with which she rewards him.
L is the Love which she now feels towards him.
M is the Move which they make for the bed.
N is the Nice way her legs are outspread.
O is the Opening now fully revealed.
P is the Pen with nib fully pealed.
Q is the Queerness she feels when it is in.
R is the Rubbing that's now to begin.
S is the Strokes getting stronger and stronger.
T is the Tickling she wishes would last longer.
U is the Unction now freely flowing.
V is the Vigour with which they are moving.
W is more...

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as part of your EAPD goals for next year.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful!