Hand Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly more...

One day, two men were digging a ditch in the hot sun, when one said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch in the hot sun, when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know, but I'll go ask him," replied the other.
So, he climbed out of the hole and walked over to his boss. "Why are we digging in the sun and you're standing in the shade?" he asked.
"It's called 'intelligence'," the boss replied.
"What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?" asked the man.
The boss said, "I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a swing and tried to hit his boss' hand, but the boss removed his hand and the ditch digger ended up hitting the tree instead. "That's intelligence!" said the boss.
The ditch digger went back to the hole. When his friend asked what the boss had said, he replied, more...

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my more...

Little Timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave a hand full of change when the collection basket passed. One Sunday the pastor noticed that Timmy started to put his change in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his pocket instead.
After service, Little Timmy rushed up to the pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change, but the pastor proceeds to tell Timmy that he did not need the money and that he should put it in the basket instead. Little Timmy replies, "Oh no, father, you need it more than anyone else does, because my daddy says that you're the poorest pastor we ever had."

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a more...

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for a few minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell more...

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.
With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."