Girlfriend Jokes / Recent Jokes
I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end upspending hundreds of dollars?" "Because I'm a prostitute."
Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number two rule follows. Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it. Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about one foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better. Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive Asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control. Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other more...
A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I'm sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."
The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup.
Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.
They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men?"
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She more...
/* Because we care about the health of your computer... */
****VIRUS WARNING****
If you received an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately without reading it! It is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will demagnitize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access codes, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave your dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear more...
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1. 0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10. 3 and Beerbash 2. 5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1. 0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1. 0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 with the idea that Wife 1. 0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1. 0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and more...