Gambling Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do==========================================A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the policeraided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officersaid, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive mefor what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said,"No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were yougambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
On Billy's first day at a new school, his father accompanied him so he could speak with the teacher. He told the teacher that, while Billy was a good kid, he had a bit of a gambling problem and may try to win lunch money from the other children if he wasn't watched. The teacher assured the father that she was very capable of handling such a problem and he needn't be too concerned.
Shortly after lunch, Billy's father called the teacher to see how things were going.
"Everything is going well," the teacher replied. "I believe I may have cured Billy of his gambling habit." "That's wonderful," the father said, "How?"
"Well," the teacher explained, "Billy insisted on betting me twenty dollars that I had a mole on my rear. Finally, I agreed to the bet and took him to the lounge to show him that I didn't."
"I'll be damned," the father said. "Just this morning he bet me a hundred bucks that he would get more...
Two elderly sisters are arguing in court over the rights to a half million dollar winning lottery ticket. I'd always thought that betting's not allowed for nuns.
Speaking of Las Vegas another friend says he can always hide his gambling winnings from his wife. He stuffs the money into her cook books.
Chapter 1: Buy a Corvette (and since you're Asian, hire a driver)
Chapter 2: Keep a collection of Dave Matthews CD's on hand
Chapter 3: Act really interested in her ratty notebook full of poems
Chapter 4: Lose every argument
Chapter 5: Practice sleeping on athe very edge of the bed
Chapter 6: Win the lottery
Chapter 7: Make sure your bed has about 20 pillows for no real reason
Chapter 8: Develop an appreciation for rearranging furniture
Chapter 9: Buy lots of tupperware, candles, and other products from her imaginary store
Playing penny slot machines has increased dramatically since the recession.
"You can play longer with less money on penny slots.", says thenewsletter, Indiana Gaming Insight. Their next insightful article: "Free, Unlimited Alcohol Provided by Casinos Impairs Judgement DuringBlackjack Card Counting".