Gambling Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

    A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, "The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?"

    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
    A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
    She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
    With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
    She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!
    I WIN! I WIN!"
    With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
    The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

    A New York deli worker hit the $1 million lottery... again. After she won the first million she kept her deli job and said she intends to keep working.
    Her name was released as Valerie Wilson, but to New Yorkers she's known by the more affectionate name of, "Lucky Fucking Bitch."
    On a side note, deli worker applications have tripled.

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